Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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