Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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