Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
