if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
