you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
