So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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