I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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