You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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