At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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