in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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