Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You left your phone here
Wait...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
