Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
