I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
