I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize