I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize