that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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