I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
