it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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