Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
