Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize