hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
