Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I would fuck him just for his dog
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
