??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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