Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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