her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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