I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
