Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We just shotgunned beers for America
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Randomize
