dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
