remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
