After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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