Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
