So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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