she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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