I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
