if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
