i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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