woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
