I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
