I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
