oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize