They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
