You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
