just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
high people should be assigned attendants
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
