Where are you?
In a non slutty way
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
