he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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