Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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