i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
