uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
