there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just found puke in my bra..
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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