Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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