I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
