We're facebook friends in real life
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
