How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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