My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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