She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
