I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Randomize
