i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Randomize
