Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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