there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
