omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
