today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
