So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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