The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
