Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize