Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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