I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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